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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26675782">which is right? (i see or saw you?)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/amajikiri/pseuds/amajikiri'>amajikiri</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>if only you liked me (if only you loved me) [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adolescent Sexuality, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Chronal Disassociation, Comfort, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Other, Possibly Unrequited Love, Purging, References to Depression, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:22:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,222</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26675782</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/amajikiri/pseuds/amajikiri</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaemin leans over and picks up the black covered portfolio. Renjun’s hand drops from his shoulder and when Jaemin is back up, his eyes are concerned. His eyelashes fan out before his cheeks and Renjun feels his stomach twist as he watches the way they flutter, like butterfly wings in June or willow tree branches on windy days. Distantly, in the back of his mind, Renjun knows that Jaemin has always looked like this, that he’s always looked at Renjun like this. There’s a quiet misery in the situation neither of them are willing to admit, because Renjun always feels the same bitter detachment, no matter how often it happens. Still, another part of Renjun can see it; Jaemin looks like summer and easier days, no matter how much Renjun wishes he saw something else. He is soft colors of the skyline and the quiet whisper of a forbidden secret. Renjun is crushed lemons in the summer as the air between them closes in. </p><p>alternatively; in which renjun looks for a muse but if you look too far ahead, you can't see what's next to you.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>if only you liked me (if only you loved me) [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1187975</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>which is right? (i see or saw you?)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi !! firstly, thank you so much for clicking on this fic! it's the second full length fic in my series for the dreamies! i would recommend you read <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/14427753/chapters/33323235">my first and last</a> (my chenji fic) first, as it is the first part in the series and you'll just get more out of both stories if you read them in order. however, if you're just here for the renmin, that's cool too!</p><p>secondly, to my returning viewers: thank you so much for waiting. it's been nearly 2 years since i posted the last chapter for mfal and a lot has changed in my life. uni is really stressful and i work a full time job on top of you know, the global covid-19 pandemic, which is affecting a lot of people right now. what hasn't changed is my profound love for the dreamies so here we are. thank you so much for sticking it out and i hope you enjoy this story my loves. </p><p>lastly, i have to give a huge TRIGGER WARNING for this fic. it will cover themes of disordered eating, purging and disassociation. do not read if these things trigger you and please, always keep yourself safe and healthy!</p><p>with all of that being said: i hope you enjoy !!!!</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“So basically, we need to get you a boyfriend so you have a muse,” Jisung says.</p><p>“Who likes cuddles,” Chenle adds. </p><p>“And is super hot,” Hyuck tells them.</p><p>Jeno’s face scrunches, “Why is that an important factor?” </p><p>“Well he has to be pretty. Or else how can Renjun draw him?” Hyuck says.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Renjun has been drawing for as long as he could remember. When he was four, his mother bought him a 24 set box of crayons from the grocery store and Renjun remembers being so fascinated by them; the waxy interior, the way the paper wrapping felt against his small hands. His mother had left him alone with them for only a couple minutes but she returned to the living room to see a new masterpiece on their wall. Of course, she had it painted over, but not before she had taken a photo of Renjun proudly grinning in front of the wall, holding the dulled crayons as if they were bars of priceless gold. </p><p>Nearly every important event in Renjun’s life since has been marked by art in some way.</p><p>On the first day of elementary school when Renjun met Jaemin, he had written in his name with <em> Moonmin </em> designs around the border of his name tag. He remembers Jaemin’s fascinated expression, big puppy eyes with thick, dark lashes like the softest, most delicate bristles of a paintbrush. Jaemin’s cheeks were in between the color of Renjun’s ‘Pink Sherbert’ and ‘Tickle Me’ Pink crayons. His multi-knit  sweater was ‘Unmellow Yellow’ and ‘Laser Lemon’. His voice felt like the smooth application of water colors as he asked, “Can you draw mine too? My name is Na Jaemin!” </p><p>In middle school, Renjun had experienced his first heartbreak. She was a girl in the grade above him, with long, sweeping black hair like a curtain always clipped back by a single blue violet pin. Her skin was gentle and delicate, like a pearl and her smile was so radiant Renjun could never look at it for too long. After confessing to the girl he liked, she laughed in his face, rejecting his hand drawn portrait of her mercilessly. Renjun remembers looking down at the paper, wondering if there was anyway that he could’ve expressed his emotions as more sincere, more <em> real </em> . Renjun redrew her again and again for days, until he realized that her rejecting the drawing hurt more than her rejecting <em> him </em>. </p><p>Renjun’s birthday present from his parents during his first year of high school had been a drawing tablet and Renjun <em> distinctly </em> remembers spending the entire spring learning the brush strokes, how to maneuver the layers, how to hold the pencil differently. And for Donghyuck’s birthday present that July, Renjun had designed a bunch of stickers of Hyuck’s favorite things (including a bunch of cute chibi Jenos). He remembers the smile on Donghyuck’s face as he plastered the stickers all over his laptop and phone case and water bottle, proudly telling everyone who asked that “My best friend drew them for me! Aren’t they pretty? Isn’t he talented?” </p><p>So maybe that’s why the entire summer before his last year of high school, all Renjun did was art. Mornings sketching various miscellaneous objects from the kitchen, practicing the way they changed in the light. Hours bathed in the afternoon sun taking photos of metropolitan buildings and Chenle as he fed ducks. All-nighters pulled to finish canvas paintings, rubbing acrylic paint off the floor boards before his mother saw it. The past 18 years of broken crayons and bruised hands and crumpled pages and sore eyes and <em> memories </em> have accumulated into the portfolio Renjun told himself he’d produce by the first day of school.</p><p>And he did, but what was it really worth?</p><p> </p><p>✰✰✰</p><p> </p><p>The day before their first day of their last year of high school, Renjun, Jeno, Donghyuck and Jaemin promised to meet each other in the morning. It was a silly tradition for them to all take a picture with each other on the first day. Renjun hadn't known Hyuck before high school but Jaemin shared homeroom with him during their first year. Renjun didn't know of Jeno either, but he was notoriously popular in their middle school for his handsome good looks. Renjun still remembers the first day of their first year. When he met Donghyuck (who was still taller than all three of them back then) and thinking he was the most handsome person he's since, well Na Jaemin. Jeno was right next to him, his voice minuscule in comparison to Hyuck's brightness but all it took was one mention of pets for Jeno to pull out a whole album on his phone of his three cats and for his eye smile to break his glass sharp face into small, delicate snowflakes. By the end of the day, the four of them had exchanged phone numbers and Jaemin had taken a single (very ugly) photo of all four of them. </p><p>This year, Renjun and Hyuck are in one class and Jaemin and Jeno are in the other. Their classes didn't align perfectly but Jaemin still had his heart set on that picture. And of course, the three of them would do anything to appease Jaemin.</p><p>Still, Renjun complains for a reason. School has always made him feel sick to his stomach.</p><p>“Aren’t you nervous?” Chenle voices Renjun’s thoughts as they push through the front doors of the school, walking towards the staircase that they always meet at. </p><p>It’s a quiet corner of the school, in between the second and third floors, with a big window facing the soccer field. Renjun remembers the spot fondly; skipping class to eat chocolate with Jeno, taking countless Instagram photos of Donghyuck during golden hour after school, the place where Jaemin used to take him when he spent too much time in the library and his head became heavy and fuzzy. </p><p>“Not really. It’s just school, Lele<em>,</em>” Renjun lies easily. </p><p>Chenle persists, “I know, but it’s your last year.” </p><p>Renjun frowns, disliking the way Chenle’s words are so expecting. Renjun knows why too. Of course Chenle expects something of Renjun, everyone does. </p><p>“Renjunnie? ”</p><p>Despite his sour mood, Renjun can’t help but smile a little when he hears his name. Chenle sounds so singsongy when he says ‘hyung’ to Jeno and Donghyuck and Jaemin, but there’s something so familiar and tender about the way he says Renjun’s name. </p><p>Even moreso, Chenle doesn’t look that much younger than Renjun, not anymore at least. Puberty has finally started to carve out his face, melting the baby fat from his cheeks and giving him an incredibly elegant jawline. He’s even taller than Renjun now, which sucks for Renjun. </p><p>But it doesn’t really matter how big Chenle gets. Renjun can still see flashes of the boy in the airport all those years ago in his gentle tone and delicate smile, in his wide eyes and a big smile and a bigger heart. Chenle might’ve matured but his heart is still the same. Renjun has always seen all the good things in the world when he looked at Chenle, but lately, the edges around that image have been fuzzy and blurred, grained and softened. Renjun has started seeing things that he’s distantly aware is inevitable, yet so terribly afraid of. </p><p>“Are you excited then?” Chenle asks. </p><p>Renjun feels his stomach twist. </p><p>“Sure,” Renjun responds mildly. </p><p>“Good morning!” A familiar voice calls from the bottom of the steps. </p><p>It’s Jeno, a bright and warm smile plastered across his face. His hair is brown and after a year of being blonde, Renjun’s eyes still have to register the person in front of him. Donghyuck and him had decided to dye their hair over the summer (which is an ongoing trend in their friend group, since Jisung and Chenle did too), the week before school started again. Jeno is wearing thick wire glasses and there’s a mask pushed under his chin. </p><p>Behind him is Donghyuck, who is lazily drinking an iced coffee with one hand and texting with the other. His hair, unlike his boyfriend’s, is a brownish red color. After having it a light brown with streaks of rainbow (Renjun said it looked like hot huez, but secretly thought it was super cute), Donghyuck has gone back to his ‘roots’ as he so wisely put it. Donghyuck’s uniform shirt isn’t tucked in all the way and the blazer is a little loose on him. Quietly, Renjun wonders if it’s actually Jeno’s, since Jeno isn’t wearing one.</p><p>“Morning, hyung,” Chenle says happily. “You guys got coffee?”</p><p>“Yeah, at the snackbar,” Donghyuck looks up finally, slipping his phone into the pocket of his (probably Jeno’s) jacket. “It’s too bitter though.” </p><p>“Jaemin will be jealous,” Renjun says without thinking. “Just give it to him.” </p><p>“Huang Renjun, we really are soulmates,” Donghyuck says, wrapping his arms around Jeno’s waist as they walk up the steps. “I literally just texted him to hurry up and take it.” </p><p>The morning light hits Jeno and Donghyuck perfectly as they stand against the window, so much so that Renjun can’t help but think of how pretty of a photo they’d make right now. There’s a sleepy, soft magic in the white light against the reflection of Jeno’s lenses. There’s something so sweet about the way Donghyuck’s hands clutch the front of Jeno’s uniform button-down, wrinkling the fabric, no hesitation or insecurity. </p><p>(And as much as Renjun hates how fond he is of the two of them, what he hates even more is how <em> foreign </em> the idea of the two of them are to him.)</p><p>“They’re late,” Chenle groans, joining Donghyuck in cuddling up next to Jeno. </p><p>“Hm… well Nana hates mornings,” Jeno says. He pats Chenle’s hair and Chenle leans into his touch like a kitten. </p><p>Donghyuck is usually fake (but at the same time dead serious) possessive about people being too touchy with Jeno but he’s completely fine with Chenle doing it. Almost instantly after Renjun had introduced his younger cousin to them, Donghyuck and Jeno took Chenle under their wing. They baby him <em> way </em> more than they baby Jisung and always are the first to tell Renjun when he’s being too harsh on Chenle. There's a magnetism about Renjun's baby cousin, who he seems a little naive about certain things, how he's kind to a fault. When Renjun had confronted the two of them about it, their responses had been simple and expected. Jeno laughed as he pinched Chenle’s cheek while Donghyuck just said, “Chenle is cute.” </p><p>“Stay still,” Renjun says softly as he carefully places his phone in front of him, preparing to take a photo. He’s trying to distract himself <em> from </em> himself and it’s only mildly working. </p><p>“Don’t pose. Act natural.” </p><p>Donghyuck, being the annoying fucker he is, does the exact <em> opposite </em> of act natural and opens his mouth wide, pretending to take a bite out of Jeno’s ear. Chenle, following suit, smiles brightly and poses with two fingers curled next to his pretty eyes. Jeno is the only one who attempts to look natural, but squeals when Donghyuck <em> actually </em> ends up biting his ear. </p><p>“You guys hate me,” Renjun sighs, frustrated (but he doesn’t stop taking photos either). </p><p>Renjun can see himself in the reflection of his screen and in the reflection of the glass window and in the reflection of Jeno’s lenses and his chest twists. There’s a lingering feeling of discontent, even as he looks down at the photos he took of his friends. He thinks about the framing, how the lighting doesn’t quite capture as well on his shit phone, how the center is off and how he could probably edit the color composition. Maybe if he printed it out nicely and–--</p><p>“Junnie, <em> I </em> don’t hate you.”</p><p>He turns around to see Jaemin, smiling too much for Renjun’s heart to handle at 7:00 o'clock on a Monday morning.. He looks straight out of a webtoon: with his golden blonde hair the color of Renjun’s favorite beige crayons, loose around his ears and parted to the side. His eyelashes are an elegant shadow around the brights of his eyes and his clothes fit him a little too well for him to be real. The color of Jaemin’s lips are like creamy oil pastels and his cheeks like a splash of watercolor.</p><p>Without thinking, Renjun places a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder and takes a step back at the same time. He doesn’t have to think about it, because it’s been like this for a very long time. Renjun is always moving away, yet unable to let go. His portfolio drops in between the two of them. </p><p>“Renjun-hyung, are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Jisung says from behind Jaemin. He walks past them easily, attaching himself to Chenle’s side like always.</p><p><em> Right, </em> Renjun thinks. <em> Like always. </em></p><p>Jaemin leans over and picks up the black covered portfolio. Renjun’s hand drops from his shoulder and when Jaemin is back up, his eyes are concerned. His eyelashes fan out before his cheeks and Renjun feels his stomach twist as he watches the way they flutter, like butterfly wings in June or willow tree branches on windy days. Distantly, in the back of his mind, Renjun knows that Jaemin has always looked like this, that he’s always looked at Renjun like this. There’s a quiet misery in the situation neither of them are willing to admit, because Renjun always feels the same bitter detachment, no matter how often it happens. Still, another part of Renjun can see it; Jaemin looks like summer and easier days, no matter how much Renjun wishes he saw something else. He is soft colors of the skyline and the quiet whisper of a forbidden secret. Renjun is crushed lemons in the summer as the air between them closes in. </p><p>“Junnie, are you okay?” Jaemin asks softly.</p><p>Renjun swallows the knot in his throat, forces the nagging feeling so far down his body he can only feel it in his toes now.</p><p>“Fine. You just scared me, asshole,” Renjun manages and takes his portfolio from Jaemin’s hands. He’s careful not to touch Jaemin. “Why did you guys come from upstairs?” </p><p>“Jisungie got lost,” Jaemin says, turning to the other four boys at the staircase. </p><p>Chenle’s laugh is annoyingly precious and obnoxiously loud as Jisung reaches for his hand, cheeks tinged pink. </p><p>“It’s been a year and you still get lost?” Donghyuck asks. </p><p>Jaemin reaches to pull at Jisung’s soft, elastic cheeks. “Don’t bully him! He’s a baby!” </p><p>“Jaemin, why weren’t <em> you </em> paying attention?” Jeno asks. </p><p>Jisung groans. “Hyung, it was <em> so </em> bad.” </p><p>“What’s so bad?” </p><p>“Do you know how many people tried to talk to Jaemin-hyung? Like every person we walked by!” </p><p>Renjun can’t help but snort. Of<em> course </em> everyone reacted that way. </p><p>“I don’t know what they see in you, Nana,” Donghyuck teases. </p><p>Jaemin makes a noise of protest. “If you weren’t so in love with Jeno you’d be <em>so </em>into me by now Hyuck.”</p><p>“You’re not my type,” Donghyuck fake gags. </p><p>Jeno laughs, “It’s because you two are so stupidly similar. It'd be like dating yourself!" </p><p>Hyuck blinks, "That's actually not a bad---" </p><p>Jeno puts his hand over his boyfriend's mouth before Donghyuck can even finish his sentence. </p><p>“We’ve all seen you too much to be into you like that, Jaem,” Renjun tells him, patting his back. </p><p>“What, do I get less extraordinarily beautiful with time?” </p><p>Renjun would very much prefer <em>not</em> to answer such a question. </p><p>“Yes.” </p><p>“Chenle? Jisung?” Jaemin turns to them with wide eyes, “Aren’t you two gonna defend me?” </p><p>“I’m not gonna stroke your ego, hyung,” Jisung rolls his eyes.</p><p>Jaemin smiles expectantly at Chenle.</p><p>Chenle smiles easily, “Hyung, you already know you’re hot.”</p><p>“See?” Jaemin exclaims, his voice squeaking at the end when he gets too excited. Renjun smiles, because it's one of his favorite things about his best friend.</p><p>“It’s because his hair is blonde,” Donghyuck huffs. “Everyone was like this with Jeno last year too.” </p><p>“Is that why you forced him to dye it brown?” Jaemin asks. </p><p>“I didn’t <em> force </em> him.” </p><p>Jeno is unphased as Donghyuck links their arms. “My hair was dying anyways dude.” </p><p>“Anyways!” Renjun says, “Jaem, didn’t you want a photo?” </p><p>Jaemin smiles wide, a perfect row of teeth and sparkly eyes as he nods.</p><p>“Yeah, we have ten minutes before classes start so let’s hurry.” </p><p>Looking back on that first selfie from that first day had given the four of them a degree of collective trauma. The picture was actually <em>terrible</em> and they made a pact to make sure none of their pictures would ever look even half that bad again. Still, they mimic the same poses that they used on that day. When Jaemin holds his camera in front of him portrait style and it's sort of amazing how instantaneous all of their reactions are. Hyuck is to Jaem's right, showing off his side profile and holding an L with his pointer finger and thumb to his nose. Jeno is behind Jaemin, mouth wide open like Na Jaemin is the most delicious meal he's ever seen (there are some points to be made with that one). Renjun is to Jaemin's left, pouting in the most cringe way possible with a finger held up to his mouth. And finally, Jaemin is doing what he does best: smiling with his stupid, perfect teeth <strike>and making the entire world melt a little along with it</strike>.</p><p>When they're done, Jaemin hastily hands Chenle his phone and the four of them pose for photos. Renjun is next to Jeno, who swings an arm around him and makes him feel smaller than he usually does. Donghyuck is next to him, still linked by the arm. Next to Donghyuck is Jaemin, who probably has his signature smile turned up to 100.</p><p>“Lele, just take a burst,” Jisung urges and Chenle complies. </p><p>They spend probably too long posing: everything from cute peace signs and easy smiles to Jeno lifting Renjun like Simba in the <em> Lion King </em>. Donghyuck even lets go of Jeno’s arm to hug Jaemin tightly, pressing their cheeks together as if they were puppies (which is half true). </p><p>“Sungie, Lele, you guys too,” Jaemin says, taking his phone and placing it on the window sill. </p><p>Jaemin puts the camera on self timer mode but the window is too high up and it only is able to capture their shoulders and up. Just as Jeno puts Renjun down, Jisung lifts him right back up, arms wrapped around his waist and chin on his shoulder. Renjun doesn’t even bother protesting, only smiling down at Jisung. </p><p>The younger boy’s hair still holds some of the hair dye that was in it over the summer, but faded to a shadow of that former brightness, a mellow indigo color that almost matched Chenle’s perfectly. His skin is warm and Renjun can feel the pressure of it even through his uniform blazer. Renjun can’t help but see Jisung as he was all those years ago too, a little kid with oversized hands and feet. The little brother that Jaemin always (and still does) coddle too much; their relationship had always made Renjun feel guilty for being annoyed by Chenle all the time, especially when they were younger. In a lot of ways, Jaemin and his love for Jisung taught Renjun how to love everyone in his life better, even if it was just a little. </p><p>When Renjun turns his head, he sees his best friends and their smiles as bright as day. If they were the rainbow, it would be easy to place everyone in a specific color. Donghyuck is the sun and July beach days and cherry red. Chenle is the flowers and easy laughter and cotton candy pink. Jeno is the sour tang of strawberry lemonade and soft ‘I love you’s and wisteria lavender. Jisung is gummy smiles and the first snow of February and cerulean seafoam. </p><p>But Na Jaemin is everything and more. He’s the hot mahogany of Renjun’s first broken heart and the lemon sherbert yellow Jaemin bought when Renjun had his wisdom teeth taken out. Jaemin is the addictive and bittersweet orange juice from the coffee shop they spent their summer paychecks on. He’s the ‘Outer Space’ gray and ‘Eggplant’ purple of the countless snapped pencils Renjun wasted in middle school. Renjun was always trying yet failing to capture the golden honey spot between Jaemin’s dimple and the ends of his mouth, the electric lime sparkle of his eyes, the simple yet ethereal mauve of his cheeks in the spring. Jaemin is the entire spectrum of color, everything possible to the human eye and it’s all so beautiful that it <em> hurts </em> to look at; <em>Na </em> <em> Jaemin hurts to look at. </em></p><p>And Renjun’s smile is genuine. He can feel the way his heart is steady in his chest, the way his skin is tingly as he reaches out to poke Donghyuck’s cheek. If everyone else was a color and Jaemin all of them, then Huang Renjun existed somewhere between black and white; he was an infinite array of uninteresting shades of gray. Renjun could never pick a color for himself. </p><p>
  <strike> If Renjun saw everything in Jaemin, maybe that’s why he sees nothingness in himself. </strike>
</p><p> </p><p>✰✰✰</p><p>Renjun’s first class after lunch is art. There are two art instructors at their school but Renjun made <em> sure </em> to sign up for Mrs. Kim’s class, regardless of how badly it may interfere with the rest of his schedule. He’s been in her class since his first year and some sentimental part of him refuses to have anyone else overlook his portfolio but her. </p><p>Renjun is the first in the classroom and makes sure to sit at the same table, next to the second window of the room, like always. Renjun isn’t a particularly superstitious person, but he does happen to like regularity and routine in his work. This spot of Mrs. Kim’s room is just where he thinks best. </p><p>“How was your summer, Renjun-ah?” She asks, smiling around her cup of tea when he places his portfolio on the table. “Lots of work done?” </p><p>Renjun smiles nervously under her expectant gaze. “Yes, of course.” </p><p>She tucks her short midnight black hair behind her ear, “Is that your portfolio?”</p><p>“Yes,” Renjun says, shaking his leg under the table.</p><p>Mrs. Kim smiles sweetly. She’s always been rather fond of him. “We can look at it after I get the rest of the class settled."</p><p>So Renjun waits. He thinks about the three pieces he has tucked in the black folder. </p><p>The first is an oil painting of the Busan seaside, inspired by the beach day that Renjun and his friends took in the summer. The strokes are short and calculated, with soft rose and coconut layers for the sand, heavy sapphire and mint strokes for the windy seas, blonde yellow and porcelain white for the honey skies. Renjun remembers sitting with his toes buried in the sand, hands still sticky from sunscreen as he took photos on his phone, over and over and over until he found one satisfactory. Renjun remembers pulling his canvas out of his bag, pouring his messy pouch of paint tubes and brushes onto the sand, his hands moving before he could comprehend it. He remembers Jaemin’s knowing smile as he handed Renjun a cup of seawater ---“You need something to rinse your brushes with right?” --- and the tug at his heart, knowing this piece had a piece of the Busan sea in it. Renjun remembers Hyuck’s urgent hands tugging him away, to go in the water with them, to eat with them, <em>anything, </em>but Renjun had been so enamored by the open skies and endless ocean and coral sand that he couldn’t bring himself to look away. The spiraling colors seemed to go on and on forever and ever; Renjun had never felt so small. </p><p>The second piece is of a garden of newly planted lilies at the park in between Renjun’s house and the orphanage. The garden was planted by the city just before the summer began and by the end, the lilies had come out of their delicate cocoons and sprouted like butterfly wings underneath the city sun. Renjun remembers sitting on the hot concrete, his knees red and back sweaty, as he stared at the flowers. It was one of the rare instances in which Renjun finished a piece almost entirely in one sitting, sketching the intricate curves of the petals with a light hand, outlining the stems and repeating. He pulled out his favorite colored pencils without even thinking, his brain numb to the white noise around him as he shaded the center of each delicate lily wine red, fading into a tangerine orange before exploding into a golden yellow, as if honey was dripping off the petals of the flowers. Renjun remembers how calm he felt with pencils in hand, his brain completely empty and his body seemingly buzzing. </p><p>The third piece is an oil pastel mess of colors, on an extra canvas that Renjun had. He didn’t create it with the intention of it being something special, or that it would end up in his black portfolio folder. Renjun was just bored one afternoon, drinking lemonade on the porch as he waited for his friends to arrive so they could go to some new cafe that Jaemin discovered for sundaes. But his hands had found his oil pastel box, dozens of half used colors he’s collected over the years. Renjun remembers his chest feeling tight as he thought about the conversation he had with Jeno the day prior. He remembers his fingers holding the colors so tightly that he was afraid they would snap, like he had. Renjun remembers wiping the tears from his cheeks, smearing crimson and obsidian across his skin in the process. He remembers the way he sniffled when Chenle went to get him, turning his cheek stubbornly. Maybe that’s what the piece says best: Huang Renjun is too stubborn for his own good. </p><p>“I know three aren’t enough but these are the three best,” Renjun says nervously, biting the inside of his cheek. “But there’s a water painting piece I have and also a digital and I’ve been thinking of trying to animate-” </p><p>Mrs. Kim puts her hand up and Renjun’s words completely dissipate in his throat. She examines each piece silently but thoroughly, her eyes careful. Though Renjun has always admired Mrs. Kim for her quiet integrity and honest advice, but at the same time, Renjun is mildly terrified of what she will say.</p><p>“They’re all very beautiful, Renjun,” She tells him, her voice light. “Your technique is immaculate, as always.” </p><p>Renjun feels his cheeks turn red as she stares at the three pieces, as if she were looking at <em> him </em> instead. </p><p>“But?” He dares to ask. </p><p>She smiles back at him. Mrs. Kim is only a couple centimeters shorter than him in her delicate heels but Renjun might as well be looking up at her. </p><p>“Does there have to be a but?” She said softly, a smile dimpling her cheek.</p><p>Renjun bites his lip. “Yes. Nothing is beyond improving. Nothing is perfect.” </p><p>She hums. “What do <em> you </em> think needs to be improved?”</p><p>“I’m not sure,” Renjun tells her honestly. “I just … there’s something missing, don’t you think? I don’t think any of them are bad, but none of them are great … It’s like a body with half of the pieces there.” </p><p>He trails off, tilting his chin. </p><p>“Not half the pieces,” She sets her hand gently on his shoulder. “A body without a heart. How could something be alive without a heart?” </p><p>Renjun turns to her, raising his eyebrows. He’s been pondering what was missing all summer, but he could have never thought of something as simply elegant as “a body without a heart”. And Mrs. Kim was right, as she often was. He built the arms and the chest of his portfolio, but there was no heart in it, not really. </p><p>“W-what do I do?” </p><p>“You do what all great artists do,” She smiles at him and Renjun is suddenly struck by how much he’ll miss her next year. “You draw what you love most.” </p><p>Mrs. Kim pats his shoulder once more before disappearing back behind her desk to greet the other students. The period is spent mainly on introductions and syllabus work. Renjun can’t even bring himself to read the paper when it’s passed to him. All he can think about are the gentle and yet brutal words he heard at the beginning of the period. </p><p><em> You draw what you love most </em>. </p><p> </p><p>✰✰✰</p><p> </p><p>Renjun never feels particularly alone. Afterall, he grew up with two loving parents and Chenle, who was always tugging at his sleeve when they were younger, even now sometimes. Whenever he’s bored, he can always call Hyuck (and they can talk for hours about the most ridiculous things), Jeno (who is almost always willing to game with him), Jaemin (who will deadass show up at his house even if it’s 2AM) or even Jisung (who also shows up at Renjun’s house at 2AM - Jaemin was with him). </p><p>Beyond his friends and family though, Renjun is <em> really </em> good at being by himself. He likes sitting alone in the grass of his backyard and painting. He likes reading in his bed on rainy days. He has no problem taking himself out to nice cafes and restaurants to do homework alone for hours on end - though Jaemin or Hyuck or Chenle always do show up to bother him eventually.</p><p>But lately, it’s been becoming more and more apparent that Renjun is <em> lonely</em>. </p><p>It’s lunch and the summer is still high in the sky. Renjun had brought a blanket from home and they’re all sprawled across it, half under the shade of a tree, half under the sun. </p><p>Chenle is perched against a tree, one airpod in his ear and the other in Jisung’s, who’s half asleep with his head in his boyfriend’s lap. Chenle is grinning as he braids Jisung’s tangled blue hair away from his face. Renjun remembers months ago, when the two of them would be <em> almost </em> just as disgustingly adorable, but with always something held back. Renjun remembers the night of the dance show, when Chenle and Jisung had returned backstage, hands interlocked, cheeks pink, blue roses crushed. Now they held nothing back. Seeing Chenle and Jisung being <em> Chenle and Jisung </em> made Renjun’s chest warm with a feeling he thinks will always be reserved for just the two of them.</p><p>Donghyuck is laying on the blanket, sprawled about in the most Donghyuck way humanly possible, taking up as much space as humanly possible, like a starfish. Jeno is curled at his waist, head on his stomach. Hyuck is ranting about how every time he showers, the water runs red, even after weeks since dying it. Jeno is humming along, tracing shapes across his boyfriend’s leg and occasionally blowing blueberries on Donghyuck’s tummy, just to hear him laugh. </p><p>Yeah, Renjun feels really fucking lonely. Even though he’s surrounded by his best friends, and never <em> really </em> alone. </p><p>It’s only sometimes like this, but lately it’s been happening more and more. Renjun usually can remove himself from the situation entirely, instead becoming an outsider watching in. He usually will start doodling his friends, even in small quantities and instances. Jisung’s perfect button nose, Hyuck’s crooked fingers, Jeno’s graceful shoulders, Chenle’s endearing ears; anything to keep his hands moving. </p><p>But he doesn’t have the heart for it today. Not after his conversation with Mrs. Kim.</p><p>Instead, he speaks before thinking anything of it. </p><p>“Y’all are all so cute, I wish I had a boyfriend,” Renjun sighs. He immediately regrets saying it outloud. </p><p>Jeno turns to him, a curious eyebrow raised. Chenle does too. Renjun rarely talks about relationships or dating to them, much less about his desire for a <em> boyfriend </em>. It’s not that he doesn’t trust his friends --- it’s just not as important to him. Renjun can’t even remember coming out to any of them. </p><p>Hyuck turns to face Renjun, head of wavy burgundy hair moving like fire in the sunlight. Jeno might be the most handsome of the five of them objectively (Renjun is an artist, he can say that with fairness and certainty), Hyuck is definitely the most infinitely interesting to draw. His face was full of interesting symmetry and soft angles and his moles mapped out his face like the constellations with the night sky. </p><p>His smile is teasing. “Aren’t you dating Jaemin anyways? I didn’t realize you were the type to two-time, Renjunnie.” </p><p>Renjun’s heart drops to the ground and he can almost imagine it rolling off their blanket and onto the grass, all the way to the pavement. The hot Seoul sun would shrivel it right up. His heart is too weak to even be good fertilizer for the soil.</p><p>Instead, Renjun leans over to flick Donghyuck’s forehead. </p><p>“Hey!” Hyuck yelps, jerking upright. “That hurt, asshole!” </p><p>Renjun turns his cheek stubbornly. “You deserved it!” </p><p>“Well I’m not wrong am I? You’re basically Jaemin’s boyfriend <em> anyways </em> -” </p><p>“Hyuck, do you ever shut up?” Renjun asks, wishing he was dead. </p><p>And of course, Jaemin finally shows up at that exact moment, tteokboki in one hand, two boxes of banana milk in the other. </p><p>“Sorry,” He says, sitting down directly in front of Renjun, in between their two annoying couple friends. “What about me being Renjun’s boyfriend?” </p><p>“Shut <em> up --</em>-” Renjun starts, but he’s cut off.</p><p>Hyuck perks, “How did you know it was Renjun?” </p><p>Jaemin turns to him and <em> winks</em>. The fucking audacity of that boy. </p><p>“Who else would it be?” Jaemin holds out a banana milk box. Renjun huffs but takes the box anyways. </p><p>Jaemin begins to hand them paper cups and long toothpicks and they gather around the tteokbokki he bought. Renjun glares at Hyuck for as long as he can until Jeno says, “Babe you went too far.” Hyuck gives him an apologetic smile but rolls his eyes at the same time. Renjun drops it but his appetite is already ruined. </p><p>“Aw don’t be upset hyung,” Chenle says easily. “You’re like the cutest ever, we’ll definitely find you a boyfriend.” </p><p>“Eventually,” Jisung adds helpfully, sticking the entire egg inside his mouth with one bite. </p><p>Jeno sighs and shoves a napkin in Jisung’s hands. “Jun, you never even talk about dating. What made you bring it up so suddenly?” </p><p>Renjun's suprised by the carefulness in Jeno's voice before he realizes he shouldn't be. After all, Jeno knows things about Renjun that make what over wise sharp words dull. </p><p>“I dunno, it’s just my portfolio …” Renjun trails off, sighing. </p><p>“What, the one you’ve been working on all summer?” Hyuck asks.</p><p>Now it’s Renjun’s turn to roll his eyes at him. “No, the other one. Of course that one!”</p><p>Hyuck just shrugs, “Okay, so what about it?” </p><p>“I worked on it all summer, and yet there’s only three pieces I like.” </p><p>“Well surely there’s more,” Jaemin says, shoving a rice cake in Renjun’s mouth before Renjun could respond. “All you did for the past couple months was draw and paint, Junnie.” </p><p>Renjun turns to look at him and is suddenly struck by how emmaculate his best friend looks. His golden hair has fallen a bit into his eyes and the strands are curling at his temples. Jaemin’s eyes are bright when he looks at Renjun, as they always are and his smile is earnest. The sun is hitting him just right and he looks like a perfectly carved Euphranor sculpture but his words melt Renjun like <em> The Persistence of Memory </em>. </p><p>“I did,” Renjun agrees. “But only some of them are good enough to go into the portfolio. I wanted seven at least, but right now there’s only three.” </p><p>“Maybe go back and look at some of them again? I’m sure there’s other ones that are good that you’re overlooking, Renjun.” Jeno tells him. </p><p>“Maybe…” </p><p>“What did Mrs. Kim say then?” Donghyuck asks. “You went to see her right?” </p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p>“So?” </p><p>“She told me there’s …” Renjun struggles to find the words to describe what she told him, without actually telling his friends what Mrs. Kim said. “Improvements to be made.”</p><p>“Like what?” Jisung asks curiously. </p><p>Renjun explains to them the situation. He even pulls out the piece of the Busan beach, because he likes it <em> that </em>much. It’s wrapped in a film though, because Renjun wants to preserve the way it smells. Like sea water and paint; like summer and happy things. </p><p>“So <em> that’s </em> why you said you want a boyfriend,” Hyuck laughs. “And here I thought you were <em> actually </em> showing romantic interests. Huang Renjun, you’re <em> ridiculous</em>.” </p><p>Chenle and Jisung laugh with him and Jeno’s eyes are light but Renjun can’t help feeling Jaemin’s serious eyes on him. </p><p>“N---not necessarily!” Renjun tells Hyuck with a pout. “I mean cuddles wouldn’t be bad …” </p><p>Jeno laughs at this one too. </p><p>“So basically, we need to get you a boyfriend so you have a muse,” Jisung says.</p><p>“Who likes cuddles,” Chenle adds. </p><p>“And is <em> super </em>hot,” Hyuck tells them.</p><p>Jeno’s face scrunches, “Why is that an important factor?” </p><p>“Well he <em> has </em> to be pretty. Or else how can Renjun draw him?” Hyuck says.</p><p>They start arguing about the criteria required for being Renjun’s potential boyfriend. Chenle says he has to be tall, or at least taller than Renjun (“shouldn’t be difficult” Jisung says, risking his life because Renjun nearly chokes him then and there). Donghyuck keeps insisting they have to be an artist of some sort, so they can be a “cute artsy couple” (“maybe a writer!” he says excitedly). But Jaemin’s words hit home the hardest.</p><p>“He has to like Junnie most in the whole world,” He says, sipping the milk. “Treat him like the most important boy ever, you know? Oh and he has to be able to sit still for hours so Junnie can draw him of course. Whole point of it; muse and all.” </p><p>The rest of Renjun’s friends are still caught up in their discussion about <em> Renjun’s </em> love life but Renjun’s heart hurts at Jaemin’s words. </p><p><em> I need a muse</em>, He thinks. <em> But boys like that don’t exist. Not the ones I can have, anyways.  </em></p><p> </p><p>✰✰✰</p><p> </p><p>Renjun’s friends originally planned to go out to the park after school but despite the sunny disposition of the early morning, the afternoon brought a heavy drizzle of late summer rain. Almost immediately, the plans fell apart. </p><p>“Well … I mean we can’t really go to the park …” Jeno says, staring out the window of a third floor empty classroom. </p><p>Hyuck sighs dramatically, but he doesn’t seem too disappointed. “How tragic. I guess we just <em> have </em> to go home and play video games now huh? Babe?” </p><p>Jeno looked down at his boyfriend who was hanging off his arm, half on the windowsill. Lately, Donghyuck and Jeno’s PDA has gotten so bad that sometimes, Renjun had to stop watching them or else he’d want to hurl.</p><p>“Seriously? That easy?” Renjun says, raising an eyebrow at the two of them.</p><p>Jaemin fake sighs dramatically. “Tsk… you guys are gonna go make out. You’re not gonna even go play video games.” </p><p>Hyuck turns away first, laughing. “Well… we play for a <em> little</em>.” </p><p>Jeno looks up at the four of them, as if he had forgotten they were there for a moment. </p><p>“Oh, sorry. I mean ... it <em> is </em>raining.” </p><p>“And for a while too!” Chenle says without glancing up from his phone. “It’s supposed to rain for the rest of the day. Won’t stop until tomorrow morning.” </p><p>“Chenle, let’s go visit Goku! We still haven’t dropped off the treats we bought the other day.” Jisung is digging through his backpack with maximum urgency, “Wait, did <em> I </em>take them or did you?” </p><p>“I did!” Chenle brushes Jisung’s fluttering hands away from the backpack, “But I left it at home. Let’s make a pit stop?” </p><p>And just like that, it was just Renjun and Jaemin. Great. How perfectly inconvenient for Renjun.</p><p>“I have homework, do you wanna just go study at the library or something?” Renjun asks Jaemin as they watch their friends part ways. </p><p>Jaemin nods, his head of soft brown hair bouncing at the ends from the humidity. “Do you want coffee?”</p><p>“Yeah, let’s go.” Renjun pulls an umbrella out from his backpack and tries not to flinch when Jaemin presses up against Renjun’s side.</p><p>Jaemin begins to talk about his day, about dance practice and student council (which he does with Donghyuck) and the tteokboki he made Jisung yesterday. His voice is like honey and silk and Renjun can’t help but lean into him, melting and melting under the warmth of his words. Renjun doesn’t speak, because his voice would ruin the melody of this moment. The rain is a soft splatter as they walk down the street to the closest cafe, Jaemin’s voice is gentle as the chorus of a song, the warm air is a steady beat. Renjun’s voice is an out of place note on the music sheet of the day. </p><p>Renjun allows himself several quick glances at Jaemin: his soft nose, the long expanse of his eyelashes, the way his lip curls, the way his Adam's apple moves when he talks. </p><p>Jaemin catches him, unfortunately, and it starts.</p><p>“Renjunnie, you’re staring.” Jaemin’s smile is brighter than all the lights in Seoul combined. </p><p>Renjun shakes his head. He flicks his friend’s forehead. “You wish! There was something stuck to your hair, moron.” </p><p>When they get to the cafe, Jaemin doesn’t even spare the menu a glance before ordering his ungodly drink (large americano, extra ice, no syrup, no water) and Renjun’s much more mundane one (medium honey jasmine latte with soy milk). They bicker over who’s gonna pay for a little longer than it’s socially acceptable but the barista doesn’t seem to mind because she’s staring at Jaemin the way people always do: a little bewilderment in the curl of their lip, a far away look in their eyes. </p><p>Renjun bites down the feeling in his throat and lets Jaemin pay, just to get it over with. </p><p>The rain gets worse and worse so they decide to stay at the cafe, settling in a small corner of the store. Renjun sits in the inside of the booth, back facing the wall. He likes the way he has the view of the entire store, just in case. Jaemin sits with his back to the register, so he can’t see the way the barista is still ogling over him. </p><p>“What are you working on?” </p><p>“Chem,” Renjun says with a groan. “I suck at this class.” </p><p>“You know, I’m <em> great </em> with chemistry.” Jaemin wiggles his eyebrows.</p><p>Renjun snorts. “Liar. You suck at it too!”</p><p>“Whatever,” Jaemin holds up his graphing calculator. “I have to work on calc anyways.” </p><p>“Where is Jeno when we need him?” Renjun groans. Jeno is suspiciously studious considering his laid back personality. </p><p>“Sucking face with Hyuck.” </p><p>“They’re so gross lately,” Renjun rolls his eyes. “Like we get it: you’re in love!” </p><p>“I love the way that word sounds when you say it.”</p><p>“What word?” </p><p>“Love,” Jaemin says with the biggest shit eating grin on his face.</p><p>Renjun pauses to catch his breath. “Shut up.” </p><p>They both start their work and Renjun tries his best to focus on his chemistry textbook, laying out his favorite highlighters in a perfect line. He only gets through the third page of text before the barista is in front of them, two drinks and a slice of cake on her tray.</p><p>Renjun takes his drink and nods a polite “thank you” before turning back to his textbook. He’s not really reading anymore though. Jaemin is staring at the cake but the barista and Renjun only have eyes for him. </p><p>Jaemin takes one earbud out, tilting his head in confusion. “Excuse me but, I think there’s been a mistake. We didn’t order this?” </p><p>The girl blushes a bright shade of pink. She places the slice of cake right on top of Jaemin’s notebook, his americano next to it. </p><p>“I–-– I know,” She says before nervously walking away. </p><p>Jaemin gives her one more puzzled glance before taking a sip of his coffee. There’s a sticky note taped to the side. Jaemin reads it briefly before taking it off the cup and putting it down on the table. He doesn’t even seem phased and picks up his pencil wordlessly, which for some reason pisses Renjun off even more than it normally would.</p><p>Renjun decides to not ignore it, “What does her note say?” </p><p>Jaemin hands him the note without even looking up, returning to his equations with only one headphone in, already biting on his coffee straw in frustration. </p><p>
  <em> Your smile is as sweet as this strawberry shortcake!! Please call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX~. - Kim Jisoo.  </em>
</p><p>Renjun snorts, despite himself. </p><p>“Well?” He asks, taking the plate of cake off of Jaemin’s notebook. “Are you gonna call her?” </p><p>Jaemin smiles his lazy smile, taking a bite of the cake. “Why would I? I already like someone.” </p><p>Renjun’s heartbeat picks up at rapidfire speed. His blood feels like gasoline in his veins. </p><p>“Who?”</p><p>He shouldn’t have asked though. Jaemin’s words are as soft as a candle but his mouth could light an entire forest on fire if he spoke just right.</p><p>“You, of course.”</p><p>Renjun wants to puke. He hates it when Jaemin flirts with him. Renjun hates it more than anything else in the world. </p><p>Of course, there’s nothing <em> inherently </em> wrong with it, especially since Jaemin flirts with <em> everyone </em> whether or not he realizes it. His smile is too pretty to be given out to strangers so easily so of course they end up asking for his phone number. Jaemin gets too comfortable with friends too quickly, so of course they interpret his friendly touches as something more and his locker is always filled with dainty lace confessions and pink heart-shaped love letters. </p><p>But it’s different with Renjun. Jaemin has been flirting with Renjun for years, and for the most part it’s platonic. He does it with Jeno too, who just ignores it and Donghyuck, who of course flirts back for the kick. Renjun can’t react like either of them, because whenever Jaemin flirts with Renjun, there’s a small moment when Renjun actually thinks Jaemin is serious and it’s disasterous. It’s not good for Renjun’s fragile heart. </p><p>Renjun feels like puking, but instead he kicks Jaemin’s shin under the table. “You’re so fucking annoying, you know that?”</p><p>Jaemin smiles apologetically and shrugs. “You asked.” </p><p>Renjun did ask, and as usual, he wishes he didn’t. Jaemin goes back to sipping his drink, completely oblivious to the disappointed look the barista is giving behind him. Renjun finds himself staring too, sharing in her quiet misery. </p><p>Jaemin is gorgeous, anyone with eyes can figure that out. His instagram is filled with beautiful pictures he takes of places he goes to and of his friends, but the few selfies and photos of himself are absolutely stunning. Jaemin has even been street casted a couple times, much to his embarrassment. </p><p>It should be expected though, because Jaemin knows how to display the best qualities of himself. A hoodie is just a hoodie until Na Jaemin is wearing it because then you think, <em> “oh, his shoulders are the perfect size to fall asleep on.” </em> A ring is just a ring until Na Jaemin wears it because then you can’t stop thinking about what it would feel like to hold his hand. A smile is just a smile until it’s Na Jaemin smiling, because you’ll realize that he has the most beautiful smile in the whole world. Suddenly, it’s dangerous how desperate you are to ensure he’ll never do anything but smile. </p><p>Yes, Na Jaemin knows how to make people fall in love with him. </p><p>Of course, Jaemin is beautiful when he’s looking at you, but he’s downright <em> ethereal </em> when he’s not. When he’s humming to himself while reading or scrolling through his phone on the bus or drinking his americano. When he leans against you without realizing or sleeps and his cheek is smudged against the pillow. Na Jaemin is the most beautiful candid, when he’s just doing nothing extraordinary. Renjun watches with fascination as Jaemin twirls his pencil between his elegant, slender fingers. He’s either biting the coffee straw or his own lip in concentration as he does his calculations. His hair is a little wet and his skin is glossy.</p><p>Maybe it’s how lonely Renjun has been feeling or maybe it’s the rain but his stomach twists a little looking at Jaemin.</p><p>Jaemin, of course, catches his stare and smiles. </p><p>“Renjunnie, you aren’t doing your work…” Jaemin rests his chin on his left hand and Renjun melts a little more. Just a bit. “Daydreaming of me?” </p><p>He knows Jaemin is just teasing him, but for a second, Renjun takes those words to heart. </p><p>Because of course there was a time when Renjun daydreamed of Jaemin. It was before Jaemin grew 5 inches and learned to style his hair away from his face. It was before he started dressing like he was a drama lead and started taking care of his skin. No, it was before Jaemin even realized how beautiful he was, before <em> anyone </em> did. </p><p>But Renjun has always known because it was always so simple. </p><p>Yes, the Jaemin Renjun used to daydream about was so much smaller, less reassured, but just as terribly kind and catastrophically beautiful. Some things don’t change: not the soft crease of his eyes when he smiled, or the way his cheeks glow when he laughs or the way Jaemin’s eyelashes look like the ends of umbrellas in the rain when he cries or the way his smile looks like something god sent down to earth just for Renjun. Worst of all: the secretive sound of his voice when Jaemin calls Renjun’s name. How could Renjun not daydream about his best friend, when there was so much to daydream about?</p><p>When Renjun finds his voice again, he says, “Actually, I was daydreaming about that cake.” </p><p>Jaemin smiles sweetly and without another word, holds the fork up for Renjun to take a bite. The cake is fluffy but Renjun regrets eating it immediately. It’s too sweet for him, the same way Jaemin’s coffee is too bitter for him. Na Jaemin exists on the two extremes of tooth-rotting strawberry shortcake and heart attack inducing americanos but Renjun can only handle his mild, boring latte.</p><p>“It’s yummy right?” Jaemin is using that stupid baby voice that’s usually reserved for when he’s coddling someone. “Satisfied? Are you gonna focus now, baby?” </p><p>“Yeah whatever.” </p><p>Renjun tries to ignore Jaemin’s reckless words but the damage is already done. His heart is hammering out of his chest and his head is buzzing and the kimbap he ate for lunch is about to make a reappearance. </p><p>So Renjun does what he always does when he feels a little too anxious to concentrate on anything: he sketches. He even has a specific notebook in his backpack at all times for it, filled with rough outlines of the vase in the library of their school and the flowerbed at the park near his house. Renjun was told once that when he feels nervous to pick something he can fixate on, if only for just a couple minutes, until he calms down. </p><p>Renjun takes a deep breath and focuses on the most interesting thing in the room, detaching himself from its complete parts and detaching it until it’s just a series of lines and shapes in his eyes. Renjun traces the figure with a steady hand and his mind goes to that faraway place it always does when he draws. It feels like all his anxieties and thoughts leave through his fingertips and onto the paper until his brain is just static. When Renjun draws, the rest of the universe just seems to melt away. He’s vaguely aware that he’s drawing but not entirely conscious of it. Information is fed to him in small pieces: the light strokes for eyelashes, the delicate shadows beneath the brow. He knows he’s drawing, but it’s like watching himself through a screen.</p><p>Renjun, for once in his life, can only focus on the moment. </p><p>He traces lines over lines, connecting them with soft strokes, softening his grip when he shades the shadows with precise carelessness. He feels far away. He feels out of his body. He feels like his soul has left his brain. He feels outer space. He feels like he’s floating.</p><p>When Renjun realizes what’s happening, it’s too late. Just like that, his focus shatters as a single tear pierces through his notebook paper and all the delicate pieces of his picture shatter before him, until all he can see is the ugly, gruesome truth of his mind underneath. </p><p><em> Jaemin, </em> is all Renjun can think. <em> I was drawing Jaemin? </em></p><p>It was obvious, even as a messily drawn sketch. Renjun isn’t ever able to catch the smile of someone’s cheeks the same way he did Jaemin’s. He would recognize the shadow of Jaemin’s downturned eyelashes anywhere. Even the way he doodled Jaemin’s mouth is scarily accurate: full and beautiful and pursed in thought. Worst of all: there’s a terrible longing, even in just a couple short strokes on graph paper. </p><p>A long time ago, Renjun used to keep an entire journal of pictures just like this one. The last journal he went through was years ago. Renjun hasn’t drawn Jaemin like this since he was 13.</p><p>Renjun clenches the pencil in his hand so hard it breaks. He can feel the wooden pieces blister his skin but it’s good, yes it’s all good. The sharp pain halts his thoughts for a second. </p><p>Jaemin seems to hear the pencil snap and he looks up in concern. “Renjunnie, switch out of chem if it’s making you this stressed already. Are you okay?” </p><p>Just hearing Jaemin’s voice makes Renjun’s breath quicken and suddenly the room is too small and there isn’t enough oxygen in the whole universe for him to catch his breath.</p><p>Renjun hastily shoves everything into his bag, trying his best to give Jaemin an apologetic smile, hiding his shaking hands in the pockets of his pants. </p><p>“S–-–sorry, J–-–Jaem!” Renjun’s voice comes out quiet and squeaky. “M–-–mom needs me at the store! You’ll see me –-– I mean –-– I’ll see you tomorrow?” </p><p>Jaemin’s eyes widen a little in bewilderment and he tilts his head. He reaches out for Renjun’s hand but Renjun flinches away before he can. He can barely handle looking at Jaemin right now, much less touching him. </p><p>“Are you okay? Renjun?” </p><p>“Fine!” </p><p>Wordlessly, Renjun gives Jaemin one last wave before turning and not looking back. Renjun lets the rain envelope him in its cold touch. The summer air is still hot and wraps around Renjun like a blanket. He begins walking to the bus stop mindlessly, arms wrapped around his side not because he’s cold but because he’s nauseous. Everything about today has made Renjun nauseous. If he hugs himself tighter and tighter, maybe he can keep his insides on the inside. Maybe if he squeezes himself hard enough, all the bad thoughts will finally leave him and he’ll feel like an actual person again.</p><p>And it sort of works, miraculously enough. By the time he gets on the bus, Renjun can feel the storm clouds from his mind fade until there’s nothing but static again. But it only takes one text from Jaemin and by the time he’s in his house, he’s nauseous all over again. </p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you so much for reading!!! leave me some kudos if you enjoyed and tell me what you thought in the comments! both really motivate me to write and i'd appreciate it so much. here's my <a href="https://amajikiri.carrd.co/">carrd</a> and my <a href="https://twitter.com/07YERI">twitter</a> !!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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